Post-Graduate Life (Part One)

Last week my uncle paid me twenty bucks to put his clothes in the dryer at the laundry mat. The task was extremely simple but I have made it my duty this summer to lay very low around my apartment building. I made sure to wear nothing that brought attention to myself. My outfit consisted of my Penn State cap, shorts and a purple t-shirt. I even put my glasses on in hopes that no one would recognize me and ask me questions regarding my current status as a college graduate. What it all balled down to was that I was ashamed I couldn’t give the answer of greatness and success they expected of someone who now possessed a degree. Nonetheless my attempt at being incognito desperately failed. I was stopped by three people and bombarded with the following questions:

(1) You graduated right?

(2) So what are you doing now?

(3) Did you find a job yet

(4) So what have you been doing with your summer

And they also couldn’t help but to put their input so their comments consisted of:

(A) Don’t wait too long to be out of school you won’t go back

(B) A job will come…don’t worry

(C) Good Luck!

Blah!!! Unlike most people I was not excited about graduation nor was I excited about leaving Penn State for good. I knew that with graduating from a Big Ten university would come the stress of repaying thousands of dollars in loans and the pressure of finding a great job because I possessed a degree. College is a safety net, for a lot of people whether you’re aware of it or not. As I think back to the last four years of being in school this pressure was bound to come. Every time someone (especially an elder) asked you what you were doing with your life and you responded you were in school people practically praised you and placed you on an invisible pedestal towards greatness. As alum, the vacation is over and the real work has begun. Life has just become real and if other people can see our greatness then why cant we?
 In the midst of walking to the laundry mat and being stopped by one of the three people I mentioned earlier, I noticed that the enthusiasm that this woman showed me about my accomplishments opened my eyes to the situation a hand. Why was I avoiding people and their questions about what I was doing with my life after college? Why should I be ashamed that I just completed four years of college as an African American female from Brooklyn when there were so many people who could only dream to achieve what I did. When did I ever take the time to congratulate myself on my achievements as opposed to being hard on myself for being unemployed? I only been out of school for two and a half months. Although my biggest fear is complacency after coming this far but I know that my drive, determination and faith in God will pull me through. Something will come, even if I have to start from the bottom up.

Despite the hardships of life after college I can honestly say that this summer has been great to me. I have been able to live and breathe without a deadline vastly approaching or a report due. I am able to express myself creatively whether its making funky earrings or scanning magazines to create a collage. I’ve finally tried Rasta Pasta which was orgasmic; I also went to the first Saturdays at the Brooklyn museum and had an amazing time. I’m living life and doing the things that make me happy and to me that’s what life after graduation is all about; Getting inspired so you can figure out exactly what your next move should be. 

Syd&Dre-Brown Sugar

As I sit in my living room reading the acknowledgements in the back of “A Belle in Brooklyn” I can’t help but to think of the movie “Brown Sugar” which I came home and watched at 3am last week Saturday and it’s been on my mind ever since. I never appreciated this movie but I do remember being no older than a pre-teen in the movie theater thinking “I am going to end up just like Syd with my “massager” and my journalism job too busy for a man.” As I live life through my early twenties I am realizing that Syd’s reality is not too far off from mine. Somehow in the last couple of months my life changed from being a college student to now studying for the LSATS and writing blogs to pursue an unrelenting passion for writing. But to add fuel to the fire I have an ex. Boyfriend Trey who has grown into one of my close friends, possibly my best male friend and I am in love with him. He’s one of my great loves and my only one at this point in my life because I haven’t met another one. Nevertheless I shutter to think that our lives could possibly end up like Dre and Syd in Brown Sugar.

            Trey is the type of guy that loves beautiful and exotic women (ie. I am far from exotic). Growing up with him as my boyfriend I was so consumed with being jealous of Alicia Keys I couldn’t appreciate the quality of her music until recently because she was Trey's idea of a perfect and ideal woman. I always believed if he doesn’t end up with me he’s going to end up with a beautiful girl possibly Spanish with fair skin, and long hair maybe even light colored eyes similar to Dre when he married Reese (Nicole Ari Parker). She was beautiful but was he essentially settling in his marriage? Think about it, Reese had the brains and the beauty but she was not Syd. Syd was simple, intelligent and beautiful. Moreover she was Dre’s best friend in the whole wide world who he was completely comfortable with and could tell anything to. Syd was the “homegirl” and time and time again we hear that great marriages start out as great friendships.

Furthermore in my analysis I have come to the realization that Sydney was too tight lipped and she was not upfront with her feelings for Dre. In the game of life you have to take control of your own life. I can’t wholeheartedly compare my own very complicated life to this movie because like I said it’s a movie with a room full of writers dictating what will happen to these two characters. In my own life I am the sole writer who will be responsible for my fate (along with God of course ).

It’s evident that Syd loves Dre because it’s written all over her face but she doesn’t want to come into terms with her feelings and I kind of understand why. Your risking the demise of a friendship and essentially rejection. However unlike Syd I’ve made it very clear to Trey (I was drunk as a skunk) that I was in love with him because "True LOVE never dies." He can never say that I didn’t scream my love for him in the streets of Manhattan as we were leaving a roof top party because I did and I meant every second of it. I don’t want to be Sydney sitting in the second row of her best friend/love of her life wedding trying to be supportive while denying her inner thoughts and feelings. I want to essentially be the one at the alter (years from now).

            Syd and Dre’s love for hip-hop is similar to me and Trey's love for music, specifically R&B. I’m well aware that with all couples there’s a song that you share. When he hears it he thinks of her and when she hears it she thinks of him. Trey and me are no different. Our songs range from Nelly “My Place” to Jay Z and Beyonce “03’ Bonnie and Clyde.” When we go out it always seems as if music is our driving force. One bar we went to one night played “Cupid” 112 and we just slow danced the song away. We reminisce constantly on the past whether it was our past mistakes or the day my mom popped out the bible to show where Jesus denounced getting tattoos and marking your body with piercings when Trey got his first tattoo. The history that we share is outstanding and sometimes we surprise ourselves that we are still friends because most people like us hate each other by now. I love where our friendship is, I love that he is someone that listens to me and takes my words seriously. I love that when he needs encouragement or is going through something he can talk to me. I love that whenever I need him he’s always there. I love that he still gives me butterflies after 8 whole years of knowing him. But I am afraid that maybe we will never be together and that is enough to shoot all my dreams to pieces. 

The Runaways-Cherry Bomb!

Biopics are by far my favorite type of movies because they aren't made up, this is the play by play of someone's life and reality. "The Runaways" was a great movie and I can't shake it out of my head. For the two hours or so I became engulfed in the world of teenage rock stars who took control of their misguided lives and became the first female rock band evaaaaa! It's the atypical story of outcasts turned into rock stars and I was in love. The worst part for me however was when Cherie played by Dakota Fanning gave up all the fame and celebrity because it became too much for her ::LITERALLY HEART WRENCHING:: I never could understand why people who yearn for fame and fortune one day deem its too much and give it all up. I hate quitters! Speaking of Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart, I must say they were great, great, great actresses. I was quickly able to shed twighlight and the sweet and innocent 6 year old Dakota that I always remembered because I actually saw Joan Jett and Cherie Currie. Overall this was a great movie, kind of hard to get into in the beginning but once your in your literally glued until the end.

The Grand Gesture

                                                                                                                                                                    

The Ride back from Pennsylvania made me think…today was an interesting day. For one, it marks a pivotal time in my life. Last year this time I was in the sweltering heat borrowing money from my scholarship fund to buy Ace, a cupcake, a sentimental card and to take him to a meaningful dinner at “SugarCanes” that I knew he would enjoy. After talking or shall I say listening to him for two years I knew that people never really made a big deal over his birthday and I wanted to. This essentially became my grand gesture. The first thing I remember he said to me when we were seated at the table was “wow you got darker (tanned)”  of course an awkward silence followed shortly after that  and he continued to proceed “but it looks good though, it doesn’t look bad or anything…” (silence). A couple minutes later we were seated at another table inside of the restaurant because eating outside became a nuisance with the bugs and the insects buzzing around. To make a long story short we had a great dinner. In the midst of a sea of beautiful women I watched his eyes the whole night and to my surprise they were on me. I do recall that he looked and smelled amazing on this particular day; I was never more attracted to him. I was so happy to be by his side, why couldn’t this be our life?

Fast forward to present day driving back to Brooklyn from Penn State’s Arts Festival, blasting “Best thing I never had” by Beyonce, singing from the top of my lungs and reflecting on the bullet I dodged. Why had I wanted this man so bad? To this day I still don’t know the answer, possibly because unlocking the truth would reveal my own insecurities about myself that I never knew was even there. 

I Wanted You Bad...Im So Through With That

"So when I think of the time that I almost loved you...You showed your ass and I saw the real you...Thank God You Blew It...Thank God I dogged the bullet, Im so over you So baby good looking out/I wanted you bad...Im so through with that cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had."

The Sweetest Revenge: Happiness!!!

I absolutely love this video...first of all it's based around a wedding which I am absolutely obsessed with but the meaning behind it really comes close to home...Wanting a guy so much that your blinded to the thought or idea that he's not good for you...essentially what your doing is dodging a bullet and it's a blessing in disguise. I hope one day to be in my wedding dress singing the same old tune like Beyonce because they all turned out to be the best thing i never had...but I know "The One" is out there :)

I got a Jones forming in my bones

"I got a Jones forming in my bones(from a man) who indeed took over my soul,(understand) I couldn't breathe if he ever said (he would leave), get on my knees till they bloody red (baby please) See I don't know if you get it yet (just don't know) He's like a lighter to my cigarette (watch me smoke) I never knew another human life (didn't know) can have the power to take over mine"

" Its kind of sick how Im stuck on you but I don't care cause Im needing you...and how I feel will remain the same cause you're my baby"

This song is definitely a "Love Jones" kind of joint. I love the word play and the lyrics but the video only intensifies the meaning. Being so caught up and stuck on someone you are almost mesmerized or enchanted...he's like a drug...Hmmm why does this feeling sound so familiar.

A Belle In Brooklyn

Let's just say im reading this book extremely slow because it's life changing. Commencing from the first page of the introduction I found myself hooked and I knew why. Demetria lives the single life that all SINGLE women should aspire; she's living her life for herself  and not for a man doing things that SHE loves to do. She asks the questions that people are afraid to ask and within reading the first 40 pages she has  already addressed the issues of rape, colorism, and the many insecurities of a black male. I'm in love! Great Summer Read!

Grounds for the perfect Friday Night In... Beyonce newest cd playing preferably #9 #10 and #12 the fun tracks of the album; A cupcake and a Pink drink...can honestly say I enjoy the simple things in life.