The Ride back from Pennsylvania made me think…today was an interesting day. For one, it marks a pivotal time in my life. Last year this time I was in the sweltering heat borrowing money from my scholarship fund to buy Ace, a cupcake, a sentimental card and to take him to a meaningful dinner at “SugarCanes” that I knew he would enjoy. After talking or shall I say listening to him for two years I knew that people never really made a big deal over his birthday and I wanted to. This essentially became my grand gesture. The first thing I remember he said to me when we were seated at the table was “wow you got darker (tanned)” of course an awkward silence followed shortly after that and he continued to proceed “but it looks good though, it doesn’t look bad or anything…” (silence). A couple minutes later we were seated at another table inside of the restaurant because eating outside became a nuisance with the bugs and the insects buzzing around. To make a long story short we had a great dinner. In the midst of a sea of beautiful women I watched his eyes the whole night and to my surprise they were on me. I do recall that he looked and smelled amazing on this particular day; I was never more attracted to him. I was so happy to be by his side, why couldn’t this be our life?
Fast forward to present day driving back to Brooklyn from Penn State’s Arts Festival, blasting “Best thing I never had” by Beyonce, singing from the top of my lungs and reflecting on the bullet I dodged. Why had I wanted this man so bad? To this day I still don’t know the answer, possibly because unlocking the truth would reveal my own insecurities about myself that I never knew was even there.
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